On my mind and in my heart...

Things were supposed to be different right now...

We were supposed to have some more time before he left... lots more time.

We were supposed to be in the adoption book by now.

I was supposed to have everything in order...

I feel as if the things I set my heart heavily on got tossed up and switched around. Perhaps that is why I am usually so good with change. By not attaching to plans or things, I am saving myself any hurt. Perhaps it is part of being a military wife as well... and knowing change will be a part of my life.

I find solace in God. Knowing that He has this whole thing under control and it is all part of His plan and His plans are always better than mine.

I am frustrated with God. Knowing that He has this whole thing under control and it is all part of His plan and His plans are always better than mine.

I have a hard time sharing what I am feeling. Everyone has their own troubles and hardships, many of which are so much worse than mine... but I need to tell you how I feel. You deserve that as my friend, and friendships have always been hard for me to maintain...

I am scared. I worry for our safety, for Joel's safety, for the house, the dogs, and yes... the cat.

I am lonely. This whole year hasen't even started yet and it literally hurts to think about.

I hate asking for help. I feel weak... like I am letting someone down but can't figure out who.

I hate admitting these things. It makes me feel like such a wimp. It's only a year... and some change.

Friends, please pray for us. Keep asking Nate and I to do stuff... I am so busy trying to keep things rolling and saying no so often, I am afraid that eventually you will stop asking. Please don't. I will get this under control, and we need to get out and do stuff.

I do have a hard time laying these things on my friends... so I will write you now and then to give you glimpses of what's happening. I will feel better and there will be happier musings. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Thank you God for new days.

Perception & Growth

How presumptious I have been. I have been assuming in the back of my mind for so long that God needed my help... here was my conversation with Him on the way home last night...

God - I just want to have all of them at home with me - every girl deserves to know how much they are worth! I want to love on them and show them how loved they are!

and whose to say that is what I'd want you to do?

Of course it is!

can you keep them forever? who... now think about this... who will be the one to sustain them for the rest of their days? Who knows their innermost being? Who knows their purpose, their potential? Who is the only one that they can - must - learn to fall on and call to and seek?

Oh gosh. How dumb of me!

you can show them the way, walk with them for a while, but your task is to give them a firm foundation so that they can learn to walk with me. on their own. just them and me. her and I. show her how much I care by caring yourself. teach. disciple. the goal is for her to grow away and stand firm unassisted. her and I.

that makes sense. how misplaced my intentions have been... thinking i just want to keep any hurting soul and l0ve them myself. that I would be able to fix them. they don't need me for that! but i can help. i can be a conduit for God's amazing love and grace. His power to transform and to sustain. i can assist in the building of a firm foundation. one that is upon a rock and rooted in the waters of life, which flow freely from our amazing Father.

"Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours"

I have sung these words more times than I can remember. Quoted the idea of being broken. Does anyone have any idea what that really means?

Two years ago my life was turned upside down. I caught a glimpse of pain, I walked with desperation, I talked with suffering, I rode alongside poverty. A mere two weeks can shatter a world view and re-arrange priorities.

unfair.

I remember grocery shopping the day after I got back. Our son was with grandparents, so Joel hadn't needed to keep the fridge stocked. It wasn't until I returned home, after walking the aisles and picking our food, paying at the register, loading into the car and driving back, when I started emptying the bags in the kitchen, it caught me. An overwhelming sense of wrongness exploded in my gut. How, just two days prior, had I been holding hands with a child who has no idea when their next meal will be. People who had never tasted anything other than corn and rotted minnows and sugar cane (which sounds much tastier than it is) How can I just walk into a store and pick out whatever I want. Pay for whatever I need. Have all these stupid choices. Do I really need to have my pick of 15 variety of ketchup? Do I really need ketchup - something you add to food to make it taste more flavorful? It all seemed so meaningless and stupid. I sat on the kitchen floor and cried and told God how unfair I thought it was. Why me and not them. Why was I so lucky to be born over here. Why. God said "I know. Now you know."

unfair?

More recently, I went through a different feeling of unfairness. One I am more ashamed of, but has had its part in shaping me. 'Ignorance is bliss'. As I started going out, spending money, eating out again, I was constantly stabbed with a feeling of guilt. I watched the people who were enjoying buying & spending. How unfair that I feel so selfish for buying things for myself. It looks fun. I remember it feeling fun. How unfair that I don't have that anymore. I know, it's so dumb... I feel bad admitting it.

'Break my heart for what breaks yours'. When I sang this, it was with a twinge of irony. Thoughts like "God, I felt a little of that... a fraction of a bit and I am wrecked. Please, no more breaking." and "If these people had any idea what that feels like, there would be a lot of hands held behind backs, fingers crossed."

God said "Would you take it back"

"No"

"But you say it hurts too much"

"I know, but I am happier. I think. In a weird way I am satisfied. More satisfied than I have ever been. I am learning to find enjoyment and contentment in You. Sorry for being dumb"

currently

I have wrestled with unfair. and unfair? I think I always will. I hope I always will. It keeps me growing and caring and satisfied. It keeps me in the heart of God. It is a broken and painful place to be. It is unfair, but not beyond hope. I can help. Not much, but with His guidance, I can do my part to leave His world a better place. A little more mended. A little more fair.