"Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours"

I have sung these words more times than I can remember. Quoted the idea of being broken. Does anyone have any idea what that really means?

Two years ago my life was turned upside down. I caught a glimpse of pain, I walked with desperation, I talked with suffering, I rode alongside poverty. A mere two weeks can shatter a world view and re-arrange priorities.

unfair.

I remember grocery shopping the day after I got back. Our son was with grandparents, so Joel hadn't needed to keep the fridge stocked. It wasn't until I returned home, after walking the aisles and picking our food, paying at the register, loading into the car and driving back, when I started emptying the bags in the kitchen, it caught me. An overwhelming sense of wrongness exploded in my gut. How, just two days prior, had I been holding hands with a child who has no idea when their next meal will be. People who had never tasted anything other than corn and rotted minnows and sugar cane (which sounds much tastier than it is) How can I just walk into a store and pick out whatever I want. Pay for whatever I need. Have all these stupid choices. Do I really need to have my pick of 15 variety of ketchup? Do I really need ketchup - something you add to food to make it taste more flavorful? It all seemed so meaningless and stupid. I sat on the kitchen floor and cried and told God how unfair I thought it was. Why me and not them. Why was I so lucky to be born over here. Why. God said "I know. Now you know."

unfair?

More recently, I went through a different feeling of unfairness. One I am more ashamed of, but has had its part in shaping me. 'Ignorance is bliss'. As I started going out, spending money, eating out again, I was constantly stabbed with a feeling of guilt. I watched the people who were enjoying buying & spending. How unfair that I feel so selfish for buying things for myself. It looks fun. I remember it feeling fun. How unfair that I don't have that anymore. I know, it's so dumb... I feel bad admitting it.

'Break my heart for what breaks yours'. When I sang this, it was with a twinge of irony. Thoughts like "God, I felt a little of that... a fraction of a bit and I am wrecked. Please, no more breaking." and "If these people had any idea what that feels like, there would be a lot of hands held behind backs, fingers crossed."

God said "Would you take it back"

"No"

"But you say it hurts too much"

"I know, but I am happier. I think. In a weird way I am satisfied. More satisfied than I have ever been. I am learning to find enjoyment and contentment in You. Sorry for being dumb"

currently

I have wrestled with unfair. and unfair? I think I always will. I hope I always will. It keeps me growing and caring and satisfied. It keeps me in the heart of God. It is a broken and painful place to be. It is unfair, but not beyond hope. I can help. Not much, but with His guidance, I can do my part to leave His world a better place. A little more mended. A little more fair.