I bottomed out today. Every area of my life feels like a filthy mess. From my spiritual life to my home to my parenting. It is weird to say because I work so hard to keep up the 'I have it all together' act... People ask 'How are you doing' - and I spit out 'Great' and slap a smile on top.
The house looks like a blind person tried to rob us. I know we will be packing to move soon - but have no solid view of when - so whenever I start cleaning, I start packing... and when I start packing I see how badly this place needs cleaning, and it all gets overwhelming. I find myself shutting down and retreating to the computer or a book.
It all came to a head in the car today with Gator. We have hit some sort of wall with his school abilities. It's not comprehension. He gets everything... but I can't seem to find what drives him. Assignments are not getting done well, done at all, or even gotten from the teacher. We have tried so many things through the years, from bribing him to taking away his beloved legos. We have advanced his work and pulled back to easier. He is only a few years away from high school, and I am feeling this weight to get him prepared. To help him have the ability to manage himself and to take pride in his work, but I feel lost.
Parenting is such a responsibility - and all parents probably feel this way about their kid - but I feel as though I have been entrusted with something very special when it comes to Nathan. You will see why by the end of our afternoon...
I picked him up from school after spending the day mulling over how to help him. I started to talk about what we could try... and he knew that I was still upset from our conversation this morning when I found out about a report packet due Friday - which he found out about on Monday. It's Wednesday. I have been asking him about his work all week. Anyway - I just lost it and started crying. We got home and he went to his room and shut the door... I went into the closet 'cause that's my favorite place to fall on my knees and talk to Dad. I am not sure how long I was in there... but I hear a knock, and then Gator let himself in the bathroom. I explained how I felt - I told him how messy everything feels and how I feel myself letting him down. He wrapped his arms around me.... and these are some of the things I heard him say...
"You are a good mom, you try hard and love me so much. Everyone makes mistakes and these are mistakes that I am responsible for... it is my job to fix this and I am going to. You are a good mom and I love you and I know that we can figure this out together..." We hugged more and started to leave the room but he grabbed my hands and put his arms around me again and prayed over me. He prayed for my peace, for my ability to see past these things, for our strength to work through them... He spoke as he always seems to - with wisdom so beyond the 11 years that he has been on this earth.
I was comforted... and again reminded of the treasure that I have been entrusted with - Oh - and he had been in his room recording his spelling words to give himself a test.
I am so blessed... and looking forward to seeing what God has planned for his life.
