Protests and Antibiotics

The past few weeks have been a bit of a blur - which is sort of a good thing. I mean, it's March already! I miss my man terribly, but have been talking to him lots the past week. I talk his ear off whenever he calls - and skypes. It's nice to talk to my BFF again.

The protests in the middle east brought some anxiety... Joel was not in a place where he could contact me when they started, and I didn't hear from him until the next week. Life goes on as usual, but he was filling up such a huge part of my mind every day that it made it hard to focus. As the year goes on, we will hit more times when he is unable to reach us for a while, and I will get better at it :) Right now, things where he is are calm. None of the anger is directed at Americans, so lets pray it stays that way. He has been getting packages from home and is lovin it! He's working out when he isn't actually working, and told me yesterday that he is down to 14% body fat. Not sure what that means... but I think it's good :)

Now, flu season has hit. We try to avoid antibiotics as much as we can - and while Gator and I both got the flu last week, there were no sinus or other infections that needed antibiotics. I was feelin pretty proud of us... all healthy and stuff. Then I noticed a small painful bump just below my eyebrow. For anyone that doesn't know me - I'm a picker. If something can pop.. or looks like it can pop - I'm gonna pick at it. So I squeezed this red bump-and got nuthin. Always disappointing when that happens. I thought it must be an ingrown hair; I get those all the time from the insane amount of plucking I have to do to keep these brows from turning into caterpillars... or a caterpillar since I'm pretty sure it would just go straight across. I figure I'll get it when it's ready. I wake up the next morning and my eyebrow is so swollen that my eyelid is pushed down! I iced it then put some makeup on, thinkin it wasn't too noticeable, even parted my hair so it covered it half way... then encountered Gator in the kitchen. "Whoa MOM! There is something wrong with your face!" Bummer. I decided to go to urgent care where the doc diagnosed it as 'cellulitis' and gave me a prescription for one of those things that I have been avoiding so well! antibiotics.

All of that happened on Wednesday. Last night (Thursday) I noticed some eyebrows that looked like they could be plucked from the area (which was still swollen). Smart me - I tweezed them out... and awoke this morning to my eye being so swollen that I could only open it half way! It looks like I was in a fight! I started to try and part my hair over it... then decided nothin is gonna cover this and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I came out to the kitchen to again receive a "Oh my GOSH MOM!" reaction from Gator. His hand actually covered his mouth this time in one of those 'i'm so shocked' poses. nice. So, back to the urgent care I go. Doc says it's a more intense infection than initially thought, and since it's around my eye they don't want to take it lightly. Today, I got not one... or two... but THREE antibiotics. One of which was a shot to my tush. Really!? We had been doing so good! I don't even remember the last time I was on antibiotics... and now three!! I left the doc feeling rather deflated - except for my eye... which is still rather inflated. nice.

Artish activities...

I took apart my dresser. Actually, it was already coming apart, and missing a drawer... what started as some nifty wall art/shelving using the drawers turned into something completely different... but it has been fun. Here is a little photo journal of the proces sofar.. and I will put up some more as it nears completion - like the words on top... after I figure out what they are going to be :)

So blessed

Twelve days down for our year apart and our year of not buying new... The latter has turned out to be a huge blessing already.

Money & wisdom don't typically go together with us. We get a decent chunk of money through Joel's deployment, and when this has happened before, instead of putting that into paying off debt, we purchased large ticked items we 'needed' so badly that I can't even remember what they were. I already have a list in my head of things that we would have bought had we not been doing this year of no stuff... Anyway, we really don't need new couches... or dining room set... or bedroom furniture. That little voice inside that says "but it would be so nice to get a new ____" or "look at that _____, it's so much better" is gradually learning to shut up. I find myself getting frustrated at the advertisements I come accross that used to make me long for new things. I heard the average American sees over 2,000 advertisements a day. Over 2,000 things on billboards, tv's, signs, and shelves screaming 'YOU NEED ME!' Ugh. I am so over it.

As for our year apart, I can not fathom what it was like 50, 20, even 10 years ago for families who were separated in this way. Joel gets to be with us at least once a week through the wonders of Skype. He calls using the international calling cards... he emails, he facebooks. We are so blessed to be in this age where technology allows Nate to talk to his daddy face to face-ish. Joel and I have got to talk recently for about an hour - I was getting ready to go to bed, and he was having his morning coffee. We are so proud of him. He can't tell us most of what he does day to day, so he is keeping a journal. He will share his experiences with us in 352 days (not that I'm counting) It is so strange... he knows everything about my days. He can picture where I am at a given moment, who I may be talking to, where I am headed next... and I know so little about his days. I know he has a snazzy zebra print chair in his bedroom, and his coffee comes in tea bags. After years of knowing everything about eachother, it's just weird.

So tonight, I am feeling blessed. Blessed for the freedom that I am gaining by loosening the ties to the stuff that the world is weighing me down with. Blessed by my frequent contact with my favorite man/best friend/hero/husband dude. Blessed by the family of friends that are keeping us busy, helping take care of Nate and making sure we are doing ok. Blessed by a heavenly Father who is right in the middle of this whole thing, and who is holding our tomorrow so that we are free to run with today.

Here we go again...

Well, we are off. To be more specific, Joel is off... we are here. It feels better this time though - we did the whole good-bye thing just a few months ago when he left for two months of training, so this time felt less... raw.

I also am approaching this feeling more supported than I was letting myself feel several months ago. From past experience through years of service, when people said they would help keep us busy or make sure we were ok when Joel was deployed... well... it just didn't happen. Not that I resented that - people are busy. BUT - This time I am surrounded by people who said these things... and mean it. Those two months went by smoothly and so full of love and support - I know this year will be the same. I am learning to ask for help, and God has surrounded us with people offering it :) Yeah!

Another reason (and a huge one at that) that I am feeling better now is because I am being more intentional about my time with God. I had a reality check recently when I was asking God why I was so empty - and he said "you don't spend the time filling up!" When I am this full of joy, sorrow can not drown me. I will have bad days - but in this moment, I am... at peace.

So - we are off - Joel on his journey and Nate and I on our "Year of No Newish Thing Buying" - I am excited for the possibilities that will open to us as we live more simply - recycling and being creative with the things we have, giving gifts that actually mean something, playing games together and for just one year, putting a stop to the polluting that the world and consumerism has done to my family. (Maybe we will take some of this further than one year!) Hold on tight - and at the same time... let it all go.

On my mind and in my heart...

Things were supposed to be different right now...

We were supposed to have some more time before he left... lots more time.

We were supposed to be in the adoption book by now.

I was supposed to have everything in order...

I feel as if the things I set my heart heavily on got tossed up and switched around. Perhaps that is why I am usually so good with change. By not attaching to plans or things, I am saving myself any hurt. Perhaps it is part of being a military wife as well... and knowing change will be a part of my life.

I find solace in God. Knowing that He has this whole thing under control and it is all part of His plan and His plans are always better than mine.

I am frustrated with God. Knowing that He has this whole thing under control and it is all part of His plan and His plans are always better than mine.

I have a hard time sharing what I am feeling. Everyone has their own troubles and hardships, many of which are so much worse than mine... but I need to tell you how I feel. You deserve that as my friend, and friendships have always been hard for me to maintain...

I am scared. I worry for our safety, for Joel's safety, for the house, the dogs, and yes... the cat.

I am lonely. This whole year hasen't even started yet and it literally hurts to think about.

I hate asking for help. I feel weak... like I am letting someone down but can't figure out who.

I hate admitting these things. It makes me feel like such a wimp. It's only a year... and some change.

Friends, please pray for us. Keep asking Nate and I to do stuff... I am so busy trying to keep things rolling and saying no so often, I am afraid that eventually you will stop asking. Please don't. I will get this under control, and we need to get out and do stuff.

I do have a hard time laying these things on my friends... so I will write you now and then to give you glimpses of what's happening. I will feel better and there will be happier musings. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Thank you God for new days.

Perception & Growth

How presumptious I have been. I have been assuming in the back of my mind for so long that God needed my help... here was my conversation with Him on the way home last night...

God - I just want to have all of them at home with me - every girl deserves to know how much they are worth! I want to love on them and show them how loved they are!

and whose to say that is what I'd want you to do?

Of course it is!

can you keep them forever? who... now think about this... who will be the one to sustain them for the rest of their days? Who knows their innermost being? Who knows their purpose, their potential? Who is the only one that they can - must - learn to fall on and call to and seek?

Oh gosh. How dumb of me!

you can show them the way, walk with them for a while, but your task is to give them a firm foundation so that they can learn to walk with me. on their own. just them and me. her and I. show her how much I care by caring yourself. teach. disciple. the goal is for her to grow away and stand firm unassisted. her and I.

that makes sense. how misplaced my intentions have been... thinking i just want to keep any hurting soul and l0ve them myself. that I would be able to fix them. they don't need me for that! but i can help. i can be a conduit for God's amazing love and grace. His power to transform and to sustain. i can assist in the building of a firm foundation. one that is upon a rock and rooted in the waters of life, which flow freely from our amazing Father.

"Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours"

I have sung these words more times than I can remember. Quoted the idea of being broken. Does anyone have any idea what that really means?

Two years ago my life was turned upside down. I caught a glimpse of pain, I walked with desperation, I talked with suffering, I rode alongside poverty. A mere two weeks can shatter a world view and re-arrange priorities.

unfair.

I remember grocery shopping the day after I got back. Our son was with grandparents, so Joel hadn't needed to keep the fridge stocked. It wasn't until I returned home, after walking the aisles and picking our food, paying at the register, loading into the car and driving back, when I started emptying the bags in the kitchen, it caught me. An overwhelming sense of wrongness exploded in my gut. How, just two days prior, had I been holding hands with a child who has no idea when their next meal will be. People who had never tasted anything other than corn and rotted minnows and sugar cane (which sounds much tastier than it is) How can I just walk into a store and pick out whatever I want. Pay for whatever I need. Have all these stupid choices. Do I really need to have my pick of 15 variety of ketchup? Do I really need ketchup - something you add to food to make it taste more flavorful? It all seemed so meaningless and stupid. I sat on the kitchen floor and cried and told God how unfair I thought it was. Why me and not them. Why was I so lucky to be born over here. Why. God said "I know. Now you know."

unfair?

More recently, I went through a different feeling of unfairness. One I am more ashamed of, but has had its part in shaping me. 'Ignorance is bliss'. As I started going out, spending money, eating out again, I was constantly stabbed with a feeling of guilt. I watched the people who were enjoying buying & spending. How unfair that I feel so selfish for buying things for myself. It looks fun. I remember it feeling fun. How unfair that I don't have that anymore. I know, it's so dumb... I feel bad admitting it.

'Break my heart for what breaks yours'. When I sang this, it was with a twinge of irony. Thoughts like "God, I felt a little of that... a fraction of a bit and I am wrecked. Please, no more breaking." and "If these people had any idea what that feels like, there would be a lot of hands held behind backs, fingers crossed."

God said "Would you take it back"

"No"

"But you say it hurts too much"

"I know, but I am happier. I think. In a weird way I am satisfied. More satisfied than I have ever been. I am learning to find enjoyment and contentment in You. Sorry for being dumb"

currently

I have wrestled with unfair. and unfair? I think I always will. I hope I always will. It keeps me growing and caring and satisfied. It keeps me in the heart of God. It is a broken and painful place to be. It is unfair, but not beyond hope. I can help. Not much, but with His guidance, I can do my part to leave His world a better place. A little more mended. A little more fair.