Wisdom of a Gator

I bottomed out today. Every area of my life feels like a filthy mess. From my spiritual life to my home to my parenting. It is weird to say because I work so hard to keep up the 'I have it all together' act... People ask 'How are you doing' - and I spit out 'Great' and slap a smile on top.

The house looks like a blind person tried to rob us. I know we will be packing to move soon - but have no solid view of when - so whenever I start cleaning, I start packing... and when I start packing I see how badly this place needs cleaning, and it all gets overwhelming. I find myself shutting down and retreating to the computer or a book.

It all came to a head in the car today with Gator. We have hit some sort of wall with his school abilities. It's not comprehension. He gets everything... but I can't seem to find what drives him. Assignments are not getting done well, done at all, or even gotten from the teacher. We have tried so many things through the years, from bribing him to taking away his beloved legos. We have advanced his work and pulled back to easier. He is only a few years away from high school, and I am feeling this weight to get him prepared. To help him have the ability to manage himself and to take pride in his work, but I feel lost.

Parenting is such a responsibility - and all parents probably feel this way about their kid - but I feel as though I have been entrusted with something very special when it comes to Nathan. You will see why by the end of our afternoon...

I picked him up from school after spending the day mulling over how to help him. I started to talk about what we could try... and he knew that I was still upset from our conversation this morning when I found out about a report packet due Friday - which he found out about on Monday. It's Wednesday. I have been asking him about his work all week. Anyway - I just lost it and started crying. We got home and he went to his room and shut the door... I went into the closet 'cause that's my favorite place to fall on my knees and talk to Dad. I am not sure how long I was in there... but I hear a knock, and then Gator let himself in the bathroom. I explained how I felt - I told him how messy everything feels and how I feel myself letting him down. He wrapped his arms around me.... and these are some of the things I heard him say...

"You are a good mom, you try hard and love me so much. Everyone makes mistakes and these are mistakes that I am responsible for... it is my job to fix this and I am going to. You are a good mom and I love you and I know that we can figure this out together..." We hugged more and started to leave the room but he grabbed my hands and put his arms around me again and prayed over me. He prayed for my peace, for my ability to see past these things, for our strength to work through them... He spoke as he always seems to - with wisdom so beyond the 11 years that he has been on this earth.

I was comforted... and again reminded of the treasure that I have been entrusted with - Oh - and he had been in his room recording his spelling words to give himself a test.

I am so blessed... and looking forward to seeing what God has planned for his life.

17,353,600 Seconds... and RUNNING LATE! Really!?

Or 7 months, 12 days excluding the end date

224 days can be converted to:

• 19,353,600 seconds
• 322,560 minutes
• 5376 hours
• 32 weeks

Yep... that is how long it has been since I have seen Joel. It's a long stinkin' time! I am so ready to have him here - bittersweet since he has to leave again in 17 days... 1,468,800 seconds. But really - whose counting anyway!?

I have recently been in touch with a community of other wives whose husbands deploy... and I keep hearing a recurring theme. I can't find a good word for what I see - the best I can find is resentment or feeling cheated. A sense of discontent with the spouse for being away or the job for taking them away.

In all honesty, there was a time that I was resentful, and Joel knew it. Everyone knew it. He felt guilty every time he had to go, felt bad while he was gone, and then had to make up for the time away somehow upon his return. Somehow, my eyes were opened after a few years though... years of missed anniversaries, birthdays, Christmases, You name a holiday - he has missed it... at least twice. Odds are I made an issue of it.

God opened my eyes to a new perspective. After several years of deployments, I started to see my error. - and how much pain I was causing Joel.

This job is a part of who Joel is right now... it is where he pours his talents and passions. I am so in love with him - and for me to resent something that is a huge part of who he is winds up wounding him. I know that if he could - he would be with us all the time. He is in a job where he can't. I also know that if we felt that I could not handle this time alone - he would be at my side in a second. But I can handle it, God provides me with the strength I need to get through each day. So I stand behind him... his number one supporter. Eventually my 'I hate you leaving' and his 'I hate having to go' turned into 'Geez this sucks - but we're gonna get through this and come out stronger'. One statement, one feeling, one team - Team Joel! :)

Missed birthdays, holidays, they are lonely - but the blessing is that the days he is here are all the more sweeter. The next couple weeks will be amazing. Holding hands for the first time... cuddles... giggles... I have butterflies in my tummy thinking about it! How many couples 11 years into marriage get to feel like newlyweds again!

I never want him to feel guilty - ever - that he has to go. I miss him. I wish he could be here. I cry. I get angry at the time away - but I am proud. I am proud of his commitment. I am proud of the job he does. I am proud to support him. He's the one who has to miss everything, I can't imagine how hard that is for him - and I pray for his peace every day.

So that's my little rant... and ironically right now I am angry with the airlines... He was supposed to arrive at 7:15p... and now that's been delayed to 8:05p. REALLY!!! I guess I can wait an additional 3,000 seconds. After all, he is the one that is on the plane - and that's not a good time.

Protests and Antibiotics

The past few weeks have been a bit of a blur - which is sort of a good thing. I mean, it's March already! I miss my man terribly, but have been talking to him lots the past week. I talk his ear off whenever he calls - and skypes. It's nice to talk to my BFF again.

The protests in the middle east brought some anxiety... Joel was not in a place where he could contact me when they started, and I didn't hear from him until the next week. Life goes on as usual, but he was filling up such a huge part of my mind every day that it made it hard to focus. As the year goes on, we will hit more times when he is unable to reach us for a while, and I will get better at it :) Right now, things where he is are calm. None of the anger is directed at Americans, so lets pray it stays that way. He has been getting packages from home and is lovin it! He's working out when he isn't actually working, and told me yesterday that he is down to 14% body fat. Not sure what that means... but I think it's good :)

Now, flu season has hit. We try to avoid antibiotics as much as we can - and while Gator and I both got the flu last week, there were no sinus or other infections that needed antibiotics. I was feelin pretty proud of us... all healthy and stuff. Then I noticed a small painful bump just below my eyebrow. For anyone that doesn't know me - I'm a picker. If something can pop.. or looks like it can pop - I'm gonna pick at it. So I squeezed this red bump-and got nuthin. Always disappointing when that happens. I thought it must be an ingrown hair; I get those all the time from the insane amount of plucking I have to do to keep these brows from turning into caterpillars... or a caterpillar since I'm pretty sure it would just go straight across. I figure I'll get it when it's ready. I wake up the next morning and my eyebrow is so swollen that my eyelid is pushed down! I iced it then put some makeup on, thinkin it wasn't too noticeable, even parted my hair so it covered it half way... then encountered Gator in the kitchen. "Whoa MOM! There is something wrong with your face!" Bummer. I decided to go to urgent care where the doc diagnosed it as 'cellulitis' and gave me a prescription for one of those things that I have been avoiding so well! antibiotics.

All of that happened on Wednesday. Last night (Thursday) I noticed some eyebrows that looked like they could be plucked from the area (which was still swollen). Smart me - I tweezed them out... and awoke this morning to my eye being so swollen that I could only open it half way! It looks like I was in a fight! I started to try and part my hair over it... then decided nothin is gonna cover this and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I came out to the kitchen to again receive a "Oh my GOSH MOM!" reaction from Gator. His hand actually covered his mouth this time in one of those 'i'm so shocked' poses. nice. So, back to the urgent care I go. Doc says it's a more intense infection than initially thought, and since it's around my eye they don't want to take it lightly. Today, I got not one... or two... but THREE antibiotics. One of which was a shot to my tush. Really!? We had been doing so good! I don't even remember the last time I was on antibiotics... and now three!! I left the doc feeling rather deflated - except for my eye... which is still rather inflated. nice.

Artish activities...

I took apart my dresser. Actually, it was already coming apart, and missing a drawer... what started as some nifty wall art/shelving using the drawers turned into something completely different... but it has been fun. Here is a little photo journal of the proces sofar.. and I will put up some more as it nears completion - like the words on top... after I figure out what they are going to be :)

So blessed

Twelve days down for our year apart and our year of not buying new... The latter has turned out to be a huge blessing already.

Money & wisdom don't typically go together with us. We get a decent chunk of money through Joel's deployment, and when this has happened before, instead of putting that into paying off debt, we purchased large ticked items we 'needed' so badly that I can't even remember what they were. I already have a list in my head of things that we would have bought had we not been doing this year of no stuff... Anyway, we really don't need new couches... or dining room set... or bedroom furniture. That little voice inside that says "but it would be so nice to get a new ____" or "look at that _____, it's so much better" is gradually learning to shut up. I find myself getting frustrated at the advertisements I come accross that used to make me long for new things. I heard the average American sees over 2,000 advertisements a day. Over 2,000 things on billboards, tv's, signs, and shelves screaming 'YOU NEED ME!' Ugh. I am so over it.

As for our year apart, I can not fathom what it was like 50, 20, even 10 years ago for families who were separated in this way. Joel gets to be with us at least once a week through the wonders of Skype. He calls using the international calling cards... he emails, he facebooks. We are so blessed to be in this age where technology allows Nate to talk to his daddy face to face-ish. Joel and I have got to talk recently for about an hour - I was getting ready to go to bed, and he was having his morning coffee. We are so proud of him. He can't tell us most of what he does day to day, so he is keeping a journal. He will share his experiences with us in 352 days (not that I'm counting) It is so strange... he knows everything about my days. He can picture where I am at a given moment, who I may be talking to, where I am headed next... and I know so little about his days. I know he has a snazzy zebra print chair in his bedroom, and his coffee comes in tea bags. After years of knowing everything about eachother, it's just weird.

So tonight, I am feeling blessed. Blessed for the freedom that I am gaining by loosening the ties to the stuff that the world is weighing me down with. Blessed by my frequent contact with my favorite man/best friend/hero/husband dude. Blessed by the family of friends that are keeping us busy, helping take care of Nate and making sure we are doing ok. Blessed by a heavenly Father who is right in the middle of this whole thing, and who is holding our tomorrow so that we are free to run with today.

Here we go again...

Well, we are off. To be more specific, Joel is off... we are here. It feels better this time though - we did the whole good-bye thing just a few months ago when he left for two months of training, so this time felt less... raw.

I also am approaching this feeling more supported than I was letting myself feel several months ago. From past experience through years of service, when people said they would help keep us busy or make sure we were ok when Joel was deployed... well... it just didn't happen. Not that I resented that - people are busy. BUT - This time I am surrounded by people who said these things... and mean it. Those two months went by smoothly and so full of love and support - I know this year will be the same. I am learning to ask for help, and God has surrounded us with people offering it :) Yeah!

Another reason (and a huge one at that) that I am feeling better now is because I am being more intentional about my time with God. I had a reality check recently when I was asking God why I was so empty - and he said "you don't spend the time filling up!" When I am this full of joy, sorrow can not drown me. I will have bad days - but in this moment, I am... at peace.

So - we are off - Joel on his journey and Nate and I on our "Year of No Newish Thing Buying" - I am excited for the possibilities that will open to us as we live more simply - recycling and being creative with the things we have, giving gifts that actually mean something, playing games together and for just one year, putting a stop to the polluting that the world and consumerism has done to my family. (Maybe we will take some of this further than one year!) Hold on tight - and at the same time... let it all go.

On my mind and in my heart...

Things were supposed to be different right now...

We were supposed to have some more time before he left... lots more time.

We were supposed to be in the adoption book by now.

I was supposed to have everything in order...

I feel as if the things I set my heart heavily on got tossed up and switched around. Perhaps that is why I am usually so good with change. By not attaching to plans or things, I am saving myself any hurt. Perhaps it is part of being a military wife as well... and knowing change will be a part of my life.

I find solace in God. Knowing that He has this whole thing under control and it is all part of His plan and His plans are always better than mine.

I am frustrated with God. Knowing that He has this whole thing under control and it is all part of His plan and His plans are always better than mine.

I have a hard time sharing what I am feeling. Everyone has their own troubles and hardships, many of which are so much worse than mine... but I need to tell you how I feel. You deserve that as my friend, and friendships have always been hard for me to maintain...

I am scared. I worry for our safety, for Joel's safety, for the house, the dogs, and yes... the cat.

I am lonely. This whole year hasen't even started yet and it literally hurts to think about.

I hate asking for help. I feel weak... like I am letting someone down but can't figure out who.

I hate admitting these things. It makes me feel like such a wimp. It's only a year... and some change.

Friends, please pray for us. Keep asking Nate and I to do stuff... I am so busy trying to keep things rolling and saying no so often, I am afraid that eventually you will stop asking. Please don't. I will get this under control, and we need to get out and do stuff.

I do have a hard time laying these things on my friends... so I will write you now and then to give you glimpses of what's happening. I will feel better and there will be happier musings. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Thank you God for new days.